TIREBITER OFFERS “A WHALE OF A DEAL!” Well, sir, I have got the pair of old red track shoes I wore during Campoon ‘76 out from the back of my musty costume closet and fit my feet in so that I can feel the squeeze of hot stump action. I can imagine I’m in the race again – along with all those highly qualified vice presidential candidates elbowing each other in the Democratic pack – and a respectful distance behind Dubya, who’s running ahead of the pack in the Buckingham Hunt. Foxy, Mr. President. Campoon 76 – that was the election year I ran with George Papoon on the Not Insane! Platform and won by a landslide – the rocks were all voting for George, strata by strata. We stumped the country – that’s right – we asked questions that couldn’t be answered, like, “Is Secrecy Not Insane!?” Or “Does Mentholated Paper Currency Fight Inflation?” and “What About Whale Power?” Who spoke for the whales this past week? Senator Kerry offered the forgettable slogan “A Real Deal” – two muddy boots in an Iowa cornfield – real deal slog slog real deal slog slog real deal to contrast with Dubya’s “raw deal,” which sounds to me like a Kennebunkport party snack. Meanwhile General “let’s get organized around here” Clark found a few more guys to yell at and some to tell where to stand – you know, the kind of thing Generals like to do in the swell of ambition after retirement. Senator Lieberman made no reference this week to the brewing scandal about the fact that he may already BE Vice President owing to an accident of Texas geography. Since he is a sort of 4th dimensional Veep anyway, this might put Lieberman back in the running after all, considering the advantage to already being, sort of, elected. I got an e-mail postcard in Spanish from Hector Elizondo, endorsing Dennis “I’ve got a little list” Kusinich, this year’s Titanic candidate. He’ll go down with the ship, but can he take the Bad Guys with him? Being elected hardly matters anymore, since science has learned to make nanotransistors out of DNA. Along with “WiFi,”these advances in science promise to plug you into the Me-Matrix any time and anywhere you finally give in to the profound pleasure that the reiterated images of Phil Spector and Michael Jackson provide. The zone-out level of self-absorbedly identifying with someone else’s corporately-provided image was attained even by NPR and the New York Times last week. And who spoke for the whales? Back in Campoon 76 Not Insane! Candidate George Papoon made a few remarks after a long meeting with C. W. “Bubbles” Baleen, a Pacific Right Whale who had recently dropped out of the race and endorsed Papoon. George asked, “What about Whale Power? The elder statesmen of the Sea will not demand it, although human beings must! The Whales, after all, chose the sea, back in the good old days when you could still make a choice about how you wanted to live. I wish to restore communication with the Trans-Global Whale Network, with its many channels of gossip and information in operation around the globe! “I want to find out as much as I can about the two Great Cetation Mysteries – the beautiful Dream-of-Whales, in which Time stands perfectly still and may be looked at all-at-once, instead of in progress; and Whales-Play, a psycho-physical exercise which formerly kept all who were sensible to it in a state of warm tranquility and peace, but which has gone unperformed since the H-Bomb tests in 1954.” Since the Navy wants the whales and dolphins to tune in to Clear Channel’s Super Sonar, and since the Whales and dolphins would rather listen to Nat’l Aquatic Wade-io and do those magnificent ceremonials (which keep the rest of us cooking, you know), let me declare, in the face of Senator Kerry’s “Real Deal” – a “Whale of a Deal!” Vote for the Whales – vote Not Insane!