Judith Walcutt: We're back and let's welcome again this week, our old pal George Tirebiter, former Golden Age of Hollywood radio and film celebrity, playwright, guest star and twice candidate for Vice President of the U.S. on the Surrealist ticket. George, welcome to LIVE FROM THE ISLANDS.

George Tirebiter: Thank you, Judith. Today's topic, "The National Pain Chart." Some people have been asking me where the Nat'l Surrealist Party stands in the political spectrum -- across a scale of one to ten, like those progressively full-on Happy to Weepy Face pain charts they give you to read in the post-op recovery room. Well, let me place our position in perspective.

The National Republican Party seems to have taken on the straight line, not quite wincing mouth of say, #3 on the Pain chart -- "I can feel it, but I can take it!"

The Democrats -- well, there seems to be a candidate's face for each of the 10 faces on the Pain Chart. Put On A Happy Dean in the No. 1 spot. At a less perky No. 4 comes General Whisperin' Wes Clark, still suffering from a five week old case of hu-hu-hubris! Kerry gnawing, nagged and lantern-jawed at No. 5. Lieberman grimacing Nixon-like at around No. 7.

You get my point. Well, the Nat'l Surrealist Party is not on the National Pain Chart. The NSP is the melty Happy Face. The NSP is Not Insane! Off the scale of pain and rising on the scale of Fame. Fame, baby, is all smiles.

And speaking of smiles - many smiling former celebrities, like me more or less, pop up quite often now in today's newly popular made-for-TV elections, both Re-call and I Don't Recall. These same celebrities can be portrayed once again later, by actors who look sort of like them in the TV movie version of the election. Tim Bottoms as George Bush, Barbra Streisand's husband as Nancy's husband. Perhaps, eventually, the children of the actors can play their parents, still smiling -- or crying, somewhere on the scale of electoral pain.

Tirebiter's take-away sound bite for this afternoon -- Sure, most actors are liberals but conservatives own the voting machines.